A straight road running through red desert towards distant mesas

Many of the people I work with are wonderful at looking after everyone else. They're the clinician who covers the extra shift, the parent who over-functions, the colleague who says yes when the honest answer is no.

If that sounds familiar, you're in good company. Assertiveness is a skill, not a trait, and like any skill it can be learned, practised, and refined. One of my favourite places to start is DEAR MAN, a communication skill from Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT), developed by Marsha Linehan. It gives you a simple structure for the moments when a conversation matters and emotion or habit may trip you up.

What DEAR MAN stands for

D: Describe. Stick to the facts, without judgement or interpretation. "Over the last three weeks I've been asked to take on two extra projects."

E: Express. Say how you feel or what you think, using "I" statements. "I'm feeling stretched, and I'm worried about my ability to sustain myself."

A: Assert. Ask clearly for what you want, or say no clearly. This is often the step we skip. "I'd like to take on one new project and hand the other two back."

R: Reinforce. Let the other person know what's in it for them, or the good outcome you're both aiming for. "That way I can do that project well, and be able to sustain myself in the long run."

M: (stay) Mindful. Keep your attention on your goal. If the conversation drifts or the other person pushes back, calmly come back to your point, like a gentle broken record. Notice distractions, and return to what matters.

A: Appear confident. This is about tone, posture, and eye contact, not about feeling confident. You can feel unsettled inside and still speak steadily. Slow your pace, drop your shoulders, and let the pauses do some of the work.

N: Negotiate. Be willing to give a little to get a little. If they can't say yes to your first request, ask, "What do you think might work?" This keeps the conversation collaborative and moving towards a shared outcome.

What it might sound like

Here's a scenario drawn from the kind of conversations that come up often (an illustration, not a real person).

You and your partner have drifted apart during a stressful few months, and you want to extend an olive branch.

"I've noticed that we've both been working late and haven't had a full meal together for a couple of weeks (describe). I've been missing you, and I'm worried we're becoming distant (express). Would you be up for a Sunday walk and lunch, just the two of us? (assert) I think we'd both feel more connected, and have more energy for the week ahead (reinforce)."

Notice what's missing: blame, mind-reading, and a long list of grievances. DEAR MAN keeps the message short, specific, and kind.

Here's a second illustration from the world of work, where DEAR MAN is especially useful when you're close to burnout. Notice that it stays on the facts and offers a way forward rather than blame.

"You've asked me to take on the weekend event again, and I've covered the last three (describe). I'm feeling worn down, and I want to keep contributing in a way I can sustain (express). I'm not able to take this one, and I'd like us to set up a rotation (assert). It would spread the load fairly, so that no one burns out (reinforce). Would you be open to drafting one together? (negotiate)"

Before the conversation

The best DEAR MAN conversations start before you open your mouth.

  • Check your values first. Ask yourself, "Does this serve my well-being, and is it in line with what matters most to me?" Sometimes the answer is a clear yes. Sometimes it helps to take a day.
  • Write it down. Sketch each letter in a line or two. Many people find a few notes on their phone calm the nerves.
  • Practise out loud. Say it in the car, to the mirror, or with a trusted friend. We can also rehearse it together in session, which is often when the words start to feel like yours.
  • Settle your body. If you notice your heart racing, try a few rounds of the physiological sigh (see the next post in this series) before you begin.
  • Use the 3 R's. Recognise the feeling ("I'm anxious"), relate to it with kindness ("it makes sense, this matters to me"), and respond with a small, caring action.

During and after

If the other person gets defensive, you don't have to match their intensity. Come back to M, stay mindful of your goal, and repeat your request calmly. If emotion rises for you, it's fine to pause: "I want to get this right. Can we take five minutes and come back to it?"

Afterwards, be kind to yourself. Change happens in small steps. Start with a low-stakes request (e.g., a small household task or a different meeting time) and build from there.

If you're in the middle of burnout, boundaries and clear requests are often among the most useful changes you can make.

In case it's helpful

If difficult conversations, boundaries, or burnout are keeping you stuck, this is the kind of work I do with clients, drawing on CBT, ACT, and mindfulness-based approaches. You're welcome to book a free 20-minute consultation to talk through what you're looking for.